The Satyr

"Hello my friends!"

The Critical Fumble Die

Here is the legend of the Critical Fumble die which was the most famous die that ever existed.

Episode Two

Episode two: Don’t micromanage the blue woods

Now that we have captured both Big Devin and Little Devin, we find out that the gang is led by a Morcation monk named Brother Bentrept who is also sometimes called Brother Beefadel. Brother Bentrept has headquarters in one of the hexahead tombs that are familiar throughout this area. He specializes in the nameless saint of wine. The hexahead tombs are ancient Easter Island type stone structures that were dedicated to some ancient king or noble but have since been overgrown with weeds and are generally unkempt and falling into disrepair.

The group suddenly remembers that they are going to Bezadel as their original mission after they consult the oracle. They also remember some local history about Bezadel which is safe for whites because the church converted a white village near the city to Mordecai.  Local legends say that this village, called  Graytusk, was owned by the boar tribe and was traditionally at war with the leopard tribe who controlled the neighboring village of Bluehoard.

About this time, Rob writes an 82 letter adventure and we discuss a new value meal where you can get 99 pounds of beef for 99 cents.

Anyway, the reason for the conflict was that Bluehoard was hostile to the blacks in Graytusk and the Violet Phallus wanted to help the boar tribe.  The history is a little spotty here, but there are some rumors that the Violet Phallus philosophers wanted to stop the conversion of the white tribes to mordecai so they helped the boar tribe fight. Other people say that a plague wiped out the leopard tribe and that the boars didn’t have to  fight at all. Some people even say that the Violet Phallus created the plague that wiped out the leopard tribe, but everyone knows that you cannot create a plague so that’s nonsense.

Meanwhile, the group formed a new plan. Instead of giving the oracle soil and apples, they decided that she would like the women that they were going to rescue from the gang. The two Devins told them that they shouldn’t even bother going to the oracle because Brother Bentrept had already talked to her. This seemed like a pathetic attempt at distraction and the group decided to try to convert the Devins to help in their cause. The Devins also said that Brother Bentrept lets the guys have fun with the girls every once in a while and that some of the women are a little less plain than the others. These special women wear black cloaks with nothing on underneath and masks over their faces. It’s not a bad life and the Devins try to convince the group to follow the gang.

Calvert offered up some inspiring words. “We don’t join gangs, We lead em”, he said. And since little Devin never thought of that (and was quite dimwitted) he was converted rather easily.

Little Devin layed out the scene at the hexahead tomb. There are dogs surrounding the tomb and a starving hyena that is locked inside one of the rooms. After Atrphrenes stiches up Vart’s wounds, the group heads off down the road in the direction of the tomb. They figured they could get there before the alarms were sounded and surprise everyone. Suddenly they saw a green light approaching in the distance.

They smell flowers, incense, and perfume. Chinello sneaks up and finds that two tall and beautiful women are setting up a tent in the middle of the road. What an oddity! He’s compelled, he’s entranced. The women are so beautiful and then one of them turns and flings open her robe. She is completely naked underneath and Chinello starts to fall into a deep trance. He’s knees go weak and he nearly drops to the ground but manages to pull himself together and run away.

Meanwhile the rest of the group is getting impatient. Big Devin really wants to go take a look., but they send Little Devin instead to investigate. Suddenly, a monk on horse appears and then disappears. Did we just see that? Nobody is sure so we decide that tackling the tent would be the best idea. Chinello springs to action as his legs turn into iron. Artphrenes offers up some spiritual protection and Calvert conjures some magical armor for himself. This isn’t the best plan, but it’s certainly daring. Vart and Chinello rush up and pull the tent closed. Even the shape of the women inside makes them struggle with mad fantasy!

Now! Yells Chinello. Roll to see if you are an ass man!

Sources familiar with the group report that there were actually two ass men and three regular men in the group. Another roll also confirmed that they were all nearly homosexual except for Calvert who is not homosexual at all.

Chinello and Vart safely restrain the women in the tent. Whoosh! The disappearing reappearing monk appears before Big Devin and makes him drink a potion. Artaphrenes snaps into action and sends an ant swarm at Big Devin’s face. He runs off screaming like a little girl. Little Devin jumps behind a tree and hides..

Back at the tent one of the women shivers, vibrates, and shimmers and a magical portal appears next to her. She rolls on in. Chinello pulls back but Vart falls through the door. Chinello thinks quickly and stabs the other woman with a sleep bolt. She falls unconscious. As the rest of the group catches up, they tie her to a tree and gag her. They have to use all their mental power to avoid being enthralled by the beautiful creature.

They are so tempted that they invent “ask-rape” which subsequently became very popular in tribal communities up and down the Ubango River.

Poof! A shimmering pink gate opens and Vart comes waltzing on out. “Hi guys, I’m back!”. Dumbfounded, Calvert tries to turn Vart into a marionette and force him back into the hell hole from which he came. It doesn’t work. They all think that was really weird what happened to Vart but nobody can make heads or tails of it so they continue on down the road. Everybody is very suspicious of Vart from this point on.

Other sources say that Calvert actually did push Vart back into the gate a second time and that he popped out again minutes later claiming, “I’m back” and “They let me go”. I personally don’t believe either story, but whatever happened,  everyone agrees that the whole thing was just really weird.

They finally arrived at the clearing with the hexahead tomb. There is a guy relieving himself off to the side and a fence around the whole compound. They see a robed figure approach the door of the tomb and enter. “Don’t hexahead tombs always come in sets of five,” Artaphrenes remembers from his tribal theology 101 class at the community college. Yes, and that means the oracle must be around here somewhere.

A minor earthquake rumbles and everyone looks at Calvert. He’s just checking to see what the walls are made of. Yes, they are cheap and flimsy. Just then, Calvert notices a woman is sitting right on top of the capstone to the tomb. He signals and on cue three arrows ring out from Chinello, Artaphrenes, and Little Devin. Chinello had the good sense to apply some drowsiness to his arrow and the woman once hit falls off the stone and right into the hyena pit! Chinello springs up and runs up to the side of the building but can’t see in. He punches through a window and wine bottles that were on the shelf inside rattle. There is a black monk putting down a flask and another monk disappears down an adjacent hole. Artraphrenes tries to protect Chinello. Vart charges the the wall but he is less than magnificent and only manages to put a small hole in the side. The monk whips around, surprised,  as two women enter the room. Chinello’s thighs iron up again and he viciously kicks right through the wall. He makes a massive hole which Vart leaps through only to manage getting himself stuck halfway. A mind thrust is unleashed as Calvert pushes the monk backwards and Little Devin fires one right through his eye. The women scatter and one opens another portal.

In the confusion and the excitement of the scuffle, Doug Kovacs snatches up the critical fumble die from where it was lying on the table, runs over to the toilet, and flushes it away forever. What an inglorious end to such a storied die! We are shocked, depressed, and in silent. There is much sadness in the room now. But we all feel a little better when Vlad promises to punch Doug in the head one of these days for that. Somehow, we carry on.

(Please see the legend of the critical fumble die post.)

We find a spellbook and a small sack on the dead monk. There are books here which is really strange considering the paper plague. Artaphrenes grabs a book labeled “FUN” and sticks it in his hyperseal box. After gathering ourselves we decide to go after the second monk and we jump down the escape hole into another room. There is luxury furniture here, and iron framed bed, a dresser, and a desk with a mirror. Are we inside or outside now? I have no idea.

SATYR! Two of the enthralling women flank the beast that has appeared in the clearing. They fling open their robes as the Satyr blasts, “Hello my friends!”. It’s all too much to resist. The group falls giggling and googly eyed. Only Calvert and Little Devin have the resolve to see the situation clearly. Panicking, Calvert sees his only option. Pretending to fall for the trick of the Satyr he pulls out some dice. “A game of chance?” he offers.

In a sudden flash the dice are knocked from his hand. “No, let’s do murder!” pipes the Satyr. He reels around and headbutts a random guy standing near smashing his face in. Both draw swords and the murder game is on. With the Satyr engaged in the fight, Calvert seizes the opportunity to bring Vart back to reality. He then joins the murder match with the Satyr and fires on the random victim hoping to buy a little time and play along. All the bandits rush around the corner screaming to help out.

“They’re fighting Sad Devin!” they yell, which makes Vince laugh so hard he turns red. Mass confusion. Calvert and Vart attack Sad Devin while he slashes at the Satyr and an unharmed bandit shoots one of the women in the chest. Dogs are barking and nobody is really sure who to fight. Dolph wakes up. The Satyr remembering the goal of the “murder contest” is to rack up kills stabs at Chinello and takes him within a inch of life. Vart retailiates with a stunning blow to the Satyr cleaving him with his halberd and giving him the old shoulder hook drag down that he learned from his elephant elders. Artaphrenes rushes to stabilize Chinello.

Another gate appears and the Satyr jumps through. All the bandits are up now but nobody knows what to do. Dolph looks around and sides with Sad Devin as Calvert tries to reason with them again. “We’ve been charmed!” They aren’t buying it. A pale arm reaches out form nowhere and grabs Vart. “It’s ok, there’s been enough fighting” says a soothing voice. The whole remaining bandit group gets knocked out by beauty and Sad Devin yells, “take her out!’. Dolph fires at the woman. Chinello finally wakes up and he has huge lips. Vart takes the girl into the building and she pulls up another gate. Little Devin shoots Sad Devin right in the guts and Artaphrenes finishes him off with a missile. For some reason, Calvert levitates a few feet above everyone and yells out “join us!”. It’s not the first time he has used levitaition in a strange way.

Just when we thought it was over, a silver portal appears randomly and Vart and the Satyr step out. “The game is still on!” Artaphrenes can’t help but laugh at the Satyr and thinks he’s doing a real nice job at playing the game. Chinello resists that urge and shoots the Satyr with a sleep bolt but the Satyr just pulls it out and laughs at Chinello. Iron thighs proceeds to leap up onto the roof. They all notice that all of the women here are obviously in love with the Satyr similar to the way we are all in love with them. Harpswell shows up and asks, “what is iron thighs?”

The Satyr stabs Dolph right in the JJ clavicle and cleaves his lungs. One kill! He yells triumphantly. Calvert shoots a mind bolt as the Satyr pulls out his pipes and starts playing. Everyone is charmed again! The Satyr finishes off three more bandits and jumps back into the portal. We are left with Little Devin and a cheetah still standing. It’s over. Thank the ant queen. What a mess.

When we finally realize that the oracle was inside we see that she is a rotted out corpse ala Norman Bates’s mother. We learned a valuable lesson today. Don’t try to micromanage the Blue Woods. Until next time.

Map of New Almuric

Episode One

Episode one: A new hope

In the beginning of time or somewhere around the middle or towards the later end, the Creator assembled the Players and had three simple questions. He wanted to know about the world, the tone, and the environment. After some debate and lurches here and there, a unanimous decision was made. Demon babies, demon babies, and wilderness, respectively. And he saw that it was good.

Well, I could go on to tell you about the things that everyone knows. The slave revolt in Brother Truett. The connection to the Empress of Salt. The fact that white people are polytheistic. The fall after the slave revolt. How the Empress might actually be a morcation and how she might have converted to destroy the church. I could tell you about all those things, but I’d rather tell you a different story.

A band of adventurers has come together for a purpose that has since been forgotten. The members of the group are Vart, a red haired, red bearded fellow with elephant leather armor. He wears a leather helmet most times and carries a huge halberd around. Interesting thing about Vart is that he somehow knows his alphabet, but he can’t read. And he also has freckles.

Calvert Templeton is the second infamous member of this band of brothers. People say that Calvert’s mother yelled “what!” at the instance of his birth. He’s as black as night with a medium build, shaved head, and a forked beard. He wears one of those headdresses that the sand people wear, but no one, including Calvert is really sure what they are called. But some people think that they are called a scmerge.

We also have Chenello who is tall and thin with a slightly overgrown afro. On first glance, Chenello looks like he’s in a daze most of the time, and he might appear slow witted to the casual observer. But other people say that it’s a clever ruse to keep expectations low and catch people off-guard.

Rounding out our quadron is the illustrious Artaphrenes of the Ardta, humble servant of the almighty Ant Queen. White skinned and jet black haired, he has all the right religious tattoos creeping up and down his forearms on both sides. Bringer of swarms, soldier, worker, protector, he is devoted to the one true religion in New Almuric.

There was some more information about the Empress that I left out before. We do know that she leads the whites on the Isle of Salt. People say that she goes into a deep meditation and when she awakes, earth shattering events will happen. But the Empress is merely one faction in this complex world. We must not forget about the church. That is the church which does not believe in the powers that come from the supernatural. The church maintains that psionics are not real, but the philosophers of the Violet Phallus they will tell you differently. That’s because they are actively researching this field and believe wholeheartedly in its existence. But enough about those things.

Our story begins in Brewfengel where the group is ready to set out on a journey. It’s customary in these parts to consult the oracle of the worm, aka the Ger before doing anything profound. Most people know that the Ger was experimenting with some worms, ingested some, and ran off to live in a swampy place called the blue woods. Now you can only see her each night at midnight and people say her mind is infested. When you go to see the Ger you should bring her a gift consisting of a combination of worms, apples, and soil. And so that’s exactly what the group did.

Once a morcation went into a convenient store and tried to order “skillets” instead of “skittles” from the guy behind the counter. He said in a loud and confident voice, “Let me have some skillets!”. The guy behind the counter just looked at him.

As they got near the edge of the blue woods, they heard someone hiding off the path and a bit upways. Chenello snuck off and bumped right into someone he could barely see. A cheetah was coming towards the group and was attached to another band somewhere in the distance. Everything was too dark to see.

There is a lot of confusion as a band is approaching. The group knocks the stranger unconscious, but then immediately splashes him to wake him back up. “Who are you!?” “Ahhhh!” Three dogs run over and uncover everyone’s position. Calvert yells out, “Call off your dogs!”. Atraphrenes tries to convince the band that they should back down. They don’t listen and bolts fly. Vart gets nailed in the shin. Chenello unleashes one and it goes right through the neck of someone on the other side. He dies.

Meanwhile, Calvert stays back with the hostage. “Gerard is paying us one gold piece each.”, he learns. Who is Gerard? What? I don’t know, more fighting…

Vart takes another one in the arm bone but he’s stalwart and fortified. Given the holiness of Artaphrenes he could not help but think of his tribe while taking cover behind a tree.

Interesting thing about the cult of the Ant Queen. The most important member of the extended family is a sister that has children. If you are lucky enough to have a sister with children then you are said to be blessed by the Queen herself. But other people say that all you need is a sister and your children will be blessed. Anyway, this preference for both a brother and a sister has led to the infanticide of many second (and third) brothers among families in the lands of the ant tribe. Outsiders may see this as a brutal and barbaric custom, but the sacrificed children are seen as holy and devout and they are revered in ant tribe society for their selfless devotion to the colony.

Going back to the fight, Artaphrenes calls on his second dead brother and the Ant Queen to protect Vart as he leads in battle. Calvert tries to reason with the group, but no one listens, so he proceeds to levitate our hostage into the air like a human balloon. He flings the floating man into the light so everyone can see. Suddenly, a swarm of ants envelopes the band, Chenello lets another one loose, and Vart hacks down a member with his halberd. The band turns and flees into the blue wood. Artaphrenes restores one of the fallen, and brings the hostage total to two. The group starts to extract information. There is a powerful mage, who does unspeakable acts. There are 13-16 guys total, something about a guy named Dolph. When girls come looking for the oracle, they better watch out…..

To be continued…..